If you are contemplating divorce, you and your spouse have an important decision to make. You can either fight for your rights or seek a civilized solution that feels fair to both of you. You can blame each other for past offenses or focus on the future. You can delegate the job to attorneys and judges or ask a mediator to help you design a marital settlement agreement ("MSA") that meets your needs.

If you choose a traditional divorce, you give up control. If you choose mediation, you and your spouse will determine how long the process takes and what goes into your agreement. Even though you may be angry at each other or hurt about things that have happened, a mediator can help you resolve your divorce in a respectful way, if you are willing to put the past behind you.

Some people choose mediation because it protects their privacy. Others choose it because they want to avoid the emotional trauma caused by an adversarial divorce. Still others choose it because they know they will save a great deal of money. By far the most common reason for choosing mediation is a desire to control the outcome of the divorce.

If you choose mediation, you are likely to experience your divorce as a peaceful process, not a financial and emotional disaster. You won't have to deal with the surprises encountered by couples who litigate their divorce, because you will design your own agreement and avoid the courthouse completely.

Your goal in mediation should be to reach a fully informed, voluntary agreement that will stand the test of time. Do not allow yourself to be rushed. You will be making decisions that will affect your life for years to come, so take your time and pay attention to the details.

If you have children, you will create a "parenting plan," with the help of your mediator. Because you will need to revise your plan over time, your mediator may recommend "periodic planning meetings" so that you have a vehicle for making changes in your parenting schedule as your children's needs change.

The best way to find a mediator is to ask a trusted professional for a referral. Most mediators will let you interview them by phone, prior to setting an appointment. Use that time to find out which mediation style the mediator uses and what safeguards are in place for your protection.

Some mediators are "muscle mediators." They urge their clients to arrive at an agreement which closely parallels the law. Others are "purists." They focus on feelings and needs, rather than on legal rights. Still others are "centrists." They inform their clients about the law and also encourage them to search for solutions that will work for both of them. For most couples, the centrist style works best.

Look for a mediator who provides you with as many safeguards as possible. Below is a list that will guide you in asking questions as you interview mediators.

• A team of mediators. Ideally, the team is comprised of a lawyer and a family counselor. Your mediators will not serve as your attorney or your therapist, but their combined skills will be invaluable in guiding you through the decisions you need to make.
  
• Experience. Select a mediator with extensive experience in divorce mediation. This type of mediation requires specialized training, knowledge, and skill.
  
• Plenty of time. You will need time to gather information andconsider options. A good mediator will tell you that a divorce mediation takes several sessions and that hurrying through will not serve your interests in the long run.
  
• Full disclosure. Part of the mediation process involves filling out and exchanging financial disclosure forms required by the state. Your mediator should insist that you and your spouse exchange these forms before you make decisions about your finances.
  
• Appraisals. Your mediator should require appraisals of important assets, such as businesses and pension plans. You need to know values before you decide what you want and what you are willing to let go of.
  
• Support based on your needs. No formula can determine the correct amount of support for you and your family. You will be more satisfied in the long run if your mediator helps you determine the appropriate amount of support, based on your income and future expenses.
  
• Consulting attorneys. Your mediator should require that you each take the first draft of your MSA to an outside attorney for a review. This extra protection is well worth the minimal cost.
  
• Access to outside experts. Your mediator should be able to refer you to outside experts, such as accountants, financial planners, and therapists, when you need extra help with financial or emotional issues.
  
• Court paperwork. Your mediator is the best person to prepare the MSA and other court documents, because he or she is neutral and knows what both of you want in your agreement.